Kaiser Mayhem by Nathaniel Hirai

(A man, wearing a white suit and cap, sits at a table opposite from a man who emanates good will for all. In front of each of them sits a microphone.)

Kent: My name is Clark Kent, and I am here with the 'Premier of Evil,' Kaiser Mayhem. Before we start I would just like to thank you again for allowing me to have this exclusive interview.

Mayhem: No problem Clark. I hope that from this people will have a better understanding of what sort of situations our community of villains is under.

Kent: That is what we are here to find out, so to begin. How did you come to choose this life of villainy and evil?

Kaiser: You see Clark; I grew up in San Francisco. This is one of the most tolerant places in all of the United States. But growing up there and going through the school system I felt out of place. I was continuously picked on for my hobbies, looks, speech impediments, and every other thing they could find jeers for. I'll give you an example. Back in the first decade of the 21^st century iPods were all the rage. I didn't have one and was left out when they all talked about their current music and which podcasts they had. So I went out that night and bought a Zune; which has all the same capabilities of an iPod for much less money. But when I came to school the next day, they continued to mock my new music player. I learned then that it wasn't the iPod or the way I dressed or anything else for that matter that made them mean to me. Simply put, they were all dicks. Giant, throbbing, STD infested, penises. I learned that you could change everything about yourself, but not the mentality of the people around you. From then on I chose to work to change society for the better, ultimately my goal came to reshape the whole world in my image. But the intentions are good.

Kent: So you chose this life of evil. Why not change society through public office or organized protests?

Kaiser: It's just not the same Clark. You can't reform something that doesn't want to reform. It's like trying to teach blind people how to read. It just doesn't work like that. So my idea is to kill all of the blind people.

Kent: But, fitting with your metaphor, why not teach them all brail?

Kaiser: Do you know how hard it is to teach a blind person brail? Hell, how to teach a regular person brail? I want to have an orgasm but that doesn't mean I would rather jack off than have regular sex.

Kent: That doesn't even make sense.

Kaiser: Exactly! The world doesn't make sense, and to make order of it all I have taken on the responsibility of trying to rule it.

Kent: But there are so many other methods of change that you could utilize. Why not work in unison with the system already established?

Kaiser: That system is broken. Look at President Obama, he ran his campaign on a platform of change, but nothing much has happened! So I say, why not take over the world, and then it doesn't even matter what I promise in my campaign. You know why it won't matter? Because I will have the world by the nut sack! That's why!

Kent: All right, whatever, moving on. We now know that you want to rule the world, but do you have any other goals in mind for the more near future?

Kaiser: Of course I do Clark. I have this aspiration to take on the entire justice league, but not really rushing that, cutting corners there only gets me in jail. I would like to get married, hopefully raise some little princes of mayhem.

Kent: Let me interject real fast Kaiser. You want to get married, how can you fit that into your hectic life as a super villain?

Kaiser: Oh, well its not easy at all. We have to put in a lot of work from both sides of it. She is always off doing something and so am I, but it is just the most wonderful feeling in the world when you can come home after a long day of work to someone who just wants to fall asleep in your arms while you find out what the fuck is up with that island in LOST.

Kent: That is of course priceless. But you were talking about a she in this situation. Do you have a lovely lady in your life?

Kaiser: Yes, actually I am engaged. Was a secret, but it would come out sooner or later. We are planning a spring wedding. Hopefully I can get enough Brotherhood of Evil vacation days before then. Unfortunately I'm not sure how if I can pay for the wedding. The downturn in the economy really hit us hard. Sure we are out there robbing banks, but the Brotherhood laid off over twenty villains last quarter. The worst was when Solomon Grundy was downsized. He was packing his things and crying, none of us knew what to say. We wanted to tell him it would get better, but these are tough times. And I don't know who would hire him; I mean he lived in a sewer for most of his life, next to no work experience. I just hope someone has the heart to take him in, bless his soul.

Kent: I know what you mean, the Daily Planet has been had a steady fall in subscriptions. But anyway, tell us; just who is this lucky lady and how did you meet her?

Kaiser: Well, I know it's a little taboo, but I am marrying Super Girl.

Kent: What! No way! How?

Kaiser: It just so happened that Lex Luthor calls me up saying 'Hey want to take a shot at Superman?' And who am I to say no to Lex Luthor. So I'm there doing my thing when in busts Superman and Super Girl. I run off down a corridor, I'm the brain not the brawn. Anyway I run off and Super Girl comes after me while the other two just do something. But As I am standing there giving my evil tirade, we really start to hit it off. I think she enjoyed my witty banter and extreme intelligence. But long story short, she gave me her number, a couple days later we went out on a first date, and its been smooth sailing ever since.

Kent: Wow. Well congratulations on you engagement. I think we got a little side tracked with that. If you would be willing, tell us of your first act of true evil.

Kaiser: No one knows about this. But it was pretty extreme. I spent two years preparing this elaborate scheme. I found a man, depressed about his life and job, and I brainwashed him; forcefully implanting a second personality into the man, calling this other side Tyler Durdan. The Tyler personality started a whole club. Long story short they took out the credit card companies, turning the debt clocks back to zero. It was my first step towards destroying society.

Kent: That sounds a lot like the plot of Fight Club. Did you really make fight club?

Kaiser: I can't tell you.

Kent: Why not, you have told us everything else so far?

Kaiser: I just can't.

Kent: Why?

Kaiser: Because!

Kent: Because why?

Kaiser: Because you broke the first two rules of fight club!

Kent: What the hell are you talking about?

Kaiser: I'm not talking about anything. Because I'm not supposed to talk about it, because that is the first two rules.

Kent: I don't follow.

Kaiser: It is fine. Continue with the interview please.

Kent: Alright, well, do you have any upcoming plans of evil?

Kaiser: I have some things cooking. The Brotherhood of Evil is planning something big, but probably shouldn't talk about that. Um, I believe there were some banks we were going to rob out on the east coast, I'm not really sure, it was the Joker's idea, and honestly I just try to avoid any conflict with him. I got an E-vite from the Injustice Gang, something about kidnapping the president; I just responded with an E-maybe. Personally I am working on a new invention. The sonic disruptor, makes people loose all balance and coordination, also makes them throw up, and so should be pretty awesome. Other than that and the wedding I don't have too much going on.

Kent: Sounds like some real hard work you're putting in.

Kaiser: Yeah, some people think being a villain is all fun and games, you know get to kidnap some teenagers or rob some banks. But a lot of hard work and planning goes into these things prior to the actual event, and I don't think people respect the amount of work we put in.

Kent: It's hard out there for a super villain.

Kaiser: True that Clark, true that.

Kent: Well that is all the time we have I'm afraid. Once again, thank you so much for joining us, hopefully you will grace us again with your presence.

Kaiser: Thank you for having me. And anytime you want to have an interview. I'm all for it.

Kent: There he is folks, the Premier of Evil, Kaiser Mayhem.

            (Fake applause rolls. Don't Stop Believing by Journey begins to play. Kaiser Mayhem and Clark Kent sit on the ground next to a jukebox. The screen zooms into their faces, then cuts off to utter blackness and silence. A voice begins.)

Mysterious Voice: You're traveling through another dimension -- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the Twilight Zone!