Danny was a sadistic murderer of bugs. He was the kid who squashes the ladybug that everyone is gawking at, going "Aww look at the cute little ladybug." Squish! Danny steps on the helpless spotted creature, forcefully twisting his foot. He caught bugs only to torture them for his own sick pleasure.
One day, a brave ant named Pope Torpedo came to Danny to settle the score between him and the bugs. Danny had raped, murdered, and tortured countless numbers of Pope Torpedo's comrades and family members. Pope Torpedo appeared to Danny as just a regular, little, insignificant little insect, just like the rest, but Pope Torpedo had a secret that Danny would soon discover and fear.
Danny saw the little ant scurry up, so he pulled out his one-purpose magnifying glass. Its one purpose was simple yet effective, burn little bugs like Pope Torpedo until they pop like popcorn kernels. Danny swiftly sized the ray of light from the sun until it was no larger than a BB. He traced it on the brave ant and instantly Pope Torpedo became crispy and dead. Danny grinned with menacing satisfaction. Danny started to examine the dead ant when suddenly it vomited itself up inside out. It was covered in ant goo which began to glow. The dead carcass began to squirm and grow, changing shape. After the glowing energy of the ant goo appeared to subside, a cockroach the size of a Bic lighter sat in place of the dead ant carcass.
"What the Fuck!" Danny yelled. Pope Torpedo, in his new form, began to charge at Danny in his same brave little insect way. "I know what I'll do!" Danny exclaimed. He ran away from the puny cockroach and went into his house to look for his dad's Beretta in the closet. He found it and loaded it with a single bullet. He bolted back outside with renewed confidence. "Eat lead!" Danny roared in victory as he turned Pope Torpedo into Big Mac sauce. Boom! Went the shriek of the pistol.
"Serves you right inferior creature," Danny laughed as he blew the smoke off the barrel of the gun in a real slick, cool guy way. All that remained of Pope Torpedo was a big yellow spot and some cockroach wings. Once again, the yellow cockroach goo began to glow with energy as it boiled and floated into the air like some shimmering ball of bright silver energy liquid. Soon that liquid was joined by several other balls of liquid. After forming into one larger glowing sphere of energy, Pope Torpedo's energy grew even larger, having enough mass to compare with the size of a soccer ball. It started shape shifting again and it began to look like some sort of eight legged monster. When the glowing energy cooled, Danny began to panic because the new form Pope Torpedo took on was that of a giant Black Widow. The overly large spider began to charge at Danny again, this time, in the same brave, determined way, only faster and with more intensity. Hell, eight legs would make you faster and scarier too.
Danny began to back up slowly, trying to think of a new way to beat this creature. He pulled out a cleaver and with ferocious intensity, chopped his own hand off. He howled in pain as blood squirted out of his handless wrist. In order to halt the bleeding, Danny forced his mouth onto his wrist. For a few seconds, nothing happened. Suddenly, Danny's eyes got wide and he began to make a gagging noise. He slowly lifted his head and mouth off of his severed wrist to reveal a taser wrist attachment where his hand used to be! "I hope you find this, Shocking?" Danny said with a sarcastic tone of voice and a toothy grin. Danny charged at Pope Torpedo with his new taser wrist attachment as it began to make loud clicking noises and flash electric blue. The taser connected and Pope Torpedo began to convulse violently and involuntarily as his body was pumped with fifty-thousand volts. He now lay dead as Danny forced a dirty, used syringe out of his pee hole and plunged it into the flesh of the fallen spider. Danny pulled the plunger back and the syringe began to fill with silver energy liquid. "At last! I finally stopped that wretched Pope Torpedo from reincarnating into a more powerful life form!" Danny's celebration was short lived, because the syringe continued to glow white hot with Pope Torpedo's energy liquid and became too hot for Danny to hold it. As he released the syringe into the air, it began to float rather than sink to the ground. It started buzzing and vibrating in midair. Once again, it began to grow and change shape while continuing to vibrate. When the liquid like energy cooled, Pope Torpedo revealed to Danny his new form.
He was now a flying, buzzing, basketball sized hornet with a five inch stinger. His menacing eyes set into focus and aimed their hostile, harm intending gaze directly at Danny, whose jaw had dropped as he clutched his taser hand for comfort. The enormous hornet started closing in on Danny's location at the same vengeful pace. Danny, frantic, started looking for a way to run. There was none. He looked to his taser and noticed another button on it. Danny had nothing to lose so he pressed it. All of a sudden, Danny's head became dislocated from his shoulders. It appeared to be on a horizontal hinge. His head flipped over on the hinge so that it looked like a giant, robotic, laser cannon was sticking out of Danny's neck hole. Danny had full control of the cannon, which he trained onto the oncoming Pope Torpedo. The laser cannon erupted in a spew of fully automatic laser bursts which penetrated Pope Torpedo and turned him into Swiss cheese. Danny pressed the button again, and his head returned to normal. "Fuck!" A stressed out Danny panted in frustration. "How do I stop this mother fuck from coming back?" Danny was trying to find a way blow up Pope Torpedo and still keep the pieces separate from each other. After about ten seconds, Danny felt an intense urge to either poop or sneak a fart. But it was definitely anal. He decided to risk it and gave a push. A large grenade dropped out of his anus and down his pant leg. It started climbing up Danny's leg with it's…. Arms? The armed (ha-ha get it?) grenade climbed up into Danny's hand and Danny threw it at the Hornet carcass. It exploded on impact and spread into many different pieces. The arms from the grenade hopped around picking up the individual pieces and buried them far away from each other. After they finished, the arms exploded too. Danny grinned, but was still hesitant to celebrate. He knew the parts would reassemble. After a few minutes and the parts showing no signs of movement, Danny turned around and walked away.
While Danny was turning away, he heard multiple crunching and cracking sounds and turned to behold the sight of glowing energy rays stabbing out from the earth like lightning bolts. Simultaneously, the churning patches of earth exploded into the air and large, illuminated, silver energy balls flew into the air. Each ball started to squirm and grow larger and then fused into one. This time, the creature began to take shape and it was the size of a man, only it had the shape of a sleek, scythe-baring creature. After the liquid cooled, Danny recognized the creature at once; it was now the shape of a praying mantis wielding what looked like dual light sabers. Its bladed arms appeared to be made of that mysterious silver energy that Pope Torpedo was using to regenerate. Now Danny knew he was in for a real fight. He pressed his magic laser button again and his head flipped over. Danny sent a barrage of laser bursts at Pope Torpedo. He flashed his shimmering claws as the lasers came and swiftly deflected each and every laser blast with a few swings. Danny returned his head to normal as Pope Torpedo began to pursue him. Danny kept backing away until he found he was backed up against a wall.
He stood there, awaiting the blow from Pope Torpedo's blade. Pope Torpedo stared down at Danny for a moment, flashed his claws and delivered a slice. Danny flinched, putting his hand in front of him. It was removed. Now Danny, handless, began peeling his bloodied wrist like a banana. As he pulled the skin away, something shiny was starting to show. It was a blade. Danny pressed down on his forearm and a five foot sword shot out. SHINK! The blade stuck out of Danny's wrist, drenched in blood. Pope Torpedo was about to deliver another blow when Danny rolled to the side. Danny got in his swordsman stance and prepared for the oncoming advance of the praying mantis.
Shink! Chhh! Unfortunately for Pope Torpedo, his energy blades were not as powerful as light sabers and could not cut through Danny's blade. Shink Shink, Chhh Chhh. An epic battle was ensuing between Danny and his insect nemesis as their blades met and deflected each other. Pope Torpedo was not tiring in the least, but Danny's endurance was waning. He knew he would have to do something or he would be killed. He deflected two more simultaneous blows and dodge rolled out of the way and broke into a sprint. He ran into his shed in the backyard and dug around for his stash and his pipe. He put a fat meth crystal in his pipe and ripped that shit up. Danny felt a burst of energy and bolted back to fight Pope Torpedo at superhuman speeds. Shink Shink Shink Shink Shink. Danny was slashing at Pope Torpedo at an impossible pace. Pope Torpedo was getting overwhelmed. His endurance was lasting, but he could not compete with the speed of Danny's godlike swiftness. Several of Danny's blows cut Pope Torpedo, leaving slash marks in his abdomen. Some of the blows were blocked, but finally Danny got an elbow in and knocked Pope Torpedo in the head, interrupting the combo blocks. Danny swiftly reached back with intense fury and with a quick slice, removed Pope Torpedo's head. His dead remains lay crumpled in a heap. For a moment, Pope Torpedo's spirit waited in the spirit realm as it admired the speed, intensity, and power of Danny. Pope Torpedo's energy was now oozing out of the neck hole of the praying mantis body. Instead of shape shifting, the ooze shot straight toward Danny and his open mouth. The hot, gooey, pearlescent fluid forced its way down Danny's throat and he felt his whole body go white hot just before slipping out of consciousness.
Danny's body then got up from the ground, empty eyed, as the face was forced into an awkward smile. "Muahahahaha!" Pope Torpedo laughed menacingly. "Now this body is superior!" he roared in delight. His moment of victory was short lived. Pope Torpedo began to feel a very strong anal pressure. In his anus! He was having trouble finding it due to the non-insect like shape of Danny's body. He heard a click, and felt a strange weight in his pants. But the anal pressure was gone. What was the strange weight in his pants? He reached down at his ankle and realized the egg shape it had. It was also warm. He took it out of his pant leg and noticed it was glowing with energy. Pope Torpedo felt his stomach drop. It was a grenade! BOOM! The grenade exploded with such a vast amount of force from being mixed with the energy that it was more vast than a regular grenade. It also caused Pope Torpedo to melt. They both died and the world returned to the way it was. Shitty.
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