Dad by Christelle Xu

My earliest memory

Is of a red lawnmower

I was three years old

And much shorter

Mom left but you were there

But I could feel the despair

By the silent tears you cried

On our camping trip.

Here we are now

The day after a fight

You went to bed

Without eating a bite

Of the chicken you cooked.

I'm trying hard to be perfect

I'm so worried about what's going to happen when I go to college, Dad.

All I need is to be understood.

I'm looking to you

For the nod of approval,

Because then I'll know I'm on the right track.

Dad the unsaid words

Killed me last night

My tears fell

Pushed forward by and uncontrollable force

I was enveloped in sheer helplessness

Without you, who do I have?

How do I lift this pile of bricks wedged deep within me.

What happens when tears aren't enough?

I'm counting on you.