Guy Talk by Nate Hirai

Matt: Would you rather do Princess Leia or Padme?

Nate: Leia.

Matt: Bat Girl or Catwoman?

Nate: Is it Selina Catwoman or the other one?

Matt: Halley Berry Catwoman.

Nate: Oh, then definitely Catwoman.

Matt: Supergirl or Wonder Woman?

Nate: That's tough. Would Superman know about it?

Matt: Of course, he can hear everything.

Nate: In that case, Wonder Woman. All right, I have one for you. Which series has hotter women, Star Wars or Lord of the Rings?

Matt: Lord of the Rings, hands down.

Nate: Are you stupid? Star Wars all the way.

Matt: Liv Tyler is hell of hot!

Nate: She cries the whole time. And besides her there aren't even any remotely hot girls.

Matt: The elves are good looking.

Nate: Yeah, but they are in the background the whole time, so they don't count. And besides none of them are super hot. Besides, none of them have anything on the Star Wars women. Carrie Fisher, Natalie Portman, and Kiera Knightly.

Matt: Kiera Knightly wasn't in Star Wars.

Nate: Yeah she was, she played the decoy queen in the first movie, look it up if you don't believe me.

Matt: Whatever, but Natalie Portman and Carrie Fisher aren't even that hot.

Nate: Are you blind? Natalie Portman is basically a more talented version of Kiera Knightly. And have you seen slave Leia?

Matt: She isn't that hot.

Nate: My god, slave Leia is like the best thing that ever happened. Not only is she walking around in a metal bikini for the first twenty minutes of the movie. But she gave hot women pretty much the sexiest Halloween costume for the rest of eternity.

Matt: Well Lord of the Rings definitely has hotter guys.

Nate: Do I even know you? Harrison Ford! He is Han Solo, Indiana Jones, Rick Deckard from Blade Runner, the fugitive, and of course our very own President of the United States. He is the single hottest man alive. Viggo Mortensen doesn't have shit on him.

Steven: Hey guys, what's up? Actually, I don't really care. I just heard this crazy thing. So open your hand with the fingers spread as wide apart as possible. The distance between the tip of your thumb and pinky is approximately the same size as your dick.

(Matt and Nate open their hands to check)

Matt: Oh shit, it works.

Nate: That sucks for you.

Matt: Why?

Steven: Because you have small ass hands.

Matt: Like yours is that much bigger.

(Nate opens his hand to show)

Matt: No! Fucking ass cock, this is all bullshit.

Steven: Shut up. Just because you have a small dick, you can still lead a completely normal life.

Matt: It's not small, what the fuck.

Steven: Whatever. Oh yeah, did you guys know the other things. Apparently guys on average thing about sex every seven seconds.

Matt: That can't be right, that's way too frequent.

Nate: No, it sort of happens in blocks. Like for fourteen minutes of regular thought, we have like two minutes of thinking about sex.

Matt: I guess that makes sense. Like at night sometimes I think about it for a while before I go to sleep.

Steven: Do you do that with your right or left hand?

Matt: Oh, good one. Masturbation jokes are always fun.

Nate: Chill out.

Matt: Wait, does thinking about this statistic count as thinking about sex?

Steven: I don't think so; it's not really directly about sex.

Nate: But it is about us thinking about sex. So we are sort of indirectly thinking about sex.

Steven: Shit if that's right, then I'm always indirectly thinking about sex.

Matt: Hey guys, if you could have sex in any position, which would you choose?

Steven: I would probably pick missionary.

Matt: Yeah, love that one.

Nate: How would you guys know if you liked it or not? Neither of you has ever had sex.

Matt: So. I have seen it done enough times to know that it would be good.

Nate: You would be the one to take lessons from porn.

Matt: Whatever, I bet it's better than whatever you would want.

Steven: Which would you pick?

Nate: I would pick a blowjob.

Steven: That's not a position though, that's not even sex.

Nate: So, maybe I don't want to do any work.

Matt: Are you really that lazy. Even in a hypothetical situation you won't get off your ass.

Nate: I wouldn't want to do anything uncharacteristic, even if it is a hypothetical.

Steven: But that isn't a position, the question is about the position.

Nate: Fine, I guess cowgirl? Oh, wait. New topic. Just think about this for a second. I was getting hell of tripped up on this the other day. So think about what would happen if a transformer, instead of turning into a car or plane or anything, it changed into something stationary. Like it would turn into a computer or a gun.

Matt: That could be kind of cool.

Nate: No it wouldn't! That would be the worst thing ever. Think about it. If you are a transformer you idolize Optimus Prime, he is your leader and you want to do everything you can to make him proud. But when the Decepticons attack and he yells, "Roll out." And you couldn't roll out. Just think about the devastating effect that would have on a developing Autobot.

Steven: You're right, that would suck ass.

Matt: But what was the point of all that?

Nate: I don't know, just saying. That would be like the worst thing in the world.

Steven: Worst thing would be if slave Leia became illegal.

Nate: Oh yeah. Which series has hotter women, Star Wars or Lord of the Rings? Matt thinks that Lord of the Rings has hotter people, just because of Liv Tyler.

Steven: You chose Lord of the Rings? You fucked up, no one from that can even try to stand up to slave Leia.

Matt: You know what, you guys always team up on me. Fuck this. I'm out of here.